How glad am I that I'm not a kid anymore?
Today's show about bullying was rough, wasn't it? Emotional. Sad. And really scary. We've seen so much violence in schools in the past decade or so, that it's hard to figure out what to teach kids. My heart broke for the parents of children who had taken their own lives. And I really wanted to give that Chase a hug.
I was bullied for a short time when we moved from Connecticut to New Hampshire when I was in the 2nd grade. I was followed home from school, had rocks thrown at my back, and racial epithets screamed at me. The weird part was the epithets were not the correct ones. But what was I going to do? Teach the nasty boys the correct words to call me when they threw their rocks?
Just like Oprah, I think that 'sticks and stones' phrase is a load of crap. I'll never forget those boys' names or the fear I felt. There's still a slight remnant of their cruelty that I can feel when I see old class pictures and look upon their faces. I had my run-in with those jerks almost 30 years ago and it's still stuck with me. That time in my life was short-lived. I can't even imagine what kids who have been bullied for YEARS go through - and how it impacts their adult lives.
Anyone want to speak on that?
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17 comments:
I was bullied for years - grade 1 all the way through high school. I had a knife pulled on me, was spat on, was pushed, hit, marginalized, etc. etc. Horrible stuff. I had several tormentors and now that I live in the small town I grew up in, I run into one of them every so often. I am polite but don't engage. The another still lives here but I have yet to run into her.
I have come to a place where I don't avoid, can be polite, but am not interested in engaging in any conversation with them. I'll never forget. And they are still not worth my time, even though I feel I've moved past the abuse.
I was bullied for the better part of a decade. I even considered suicide as a result of it. I was hit, punched, kicked, called names, you name it. Now, 11 years after it all ended, I'm getting facebook friend requests from the kids who taunted me most. I've "over it" but there are days when I see a kid getting picked on (I'm a teacher) and something inside just flares up and I scream at those bullies. I can't help it. I'm not proud of it, but I really don't want the kids being bullied to suffer the way I did and to feel that no one stands up for them.
I, too, was bullied for many years. They were horrible, horrifying times, but I know that I'm a more compassionate person because of them. Several of those kids grew up to suffer consequenses of bad decisions, made by the habit of making bad choices in childhood, I believe. I don't hold any ill will towards them--I pray that they find peace with God and their fellow man and that they have learned from their past mistakes.
My heart goes out to all the little kids who endure bullying, but also the little guys who are just learning how to bully. They will have miserable lives, too, if they are not taught to do what is right.
I was not bullied as a child, but my close friend was and there was a period of time in 6th grade where I felt that I had to choose sides and I chose to stick with my bullied friend and quit associating with the mean girls. I think this was one of the most important choices of my life. My bullied friend had a challenging homelife and my peaceful, happy home was a welcome respite for her. I am fairly certain that the mean girl also had a difficult time at home, but handled it in a bad way.
I loved the way the show ended with the part about empowering that boy to stand up for himself forcefully. My son is soon entering 7th grade and endured a bit of this sort of name calling last year, although it fell short of bullying. He is good friends with the boy now. I'm thinking of letting him watch some parts of this show so we can talk about this a little.
I wasn't a bully in the ongoing sense (even if I'd wanted to, I was way too shy), but I'll admit to picking on a classmate once or twice in middle school.
Interesting anecdote: in 5th grade I had a classmate I wasn't too fond of--we tended to take little verbal swipes at each other when given a good opportunity. Once he pushed me off the choir risers (the bottom riser, but still). Years later I was talking to a mutual acquaintance who said my nemesis had referred me as someone who picked on him, which totally shocked me, because I had always thought of HIM as harassing ME!
I was bullied and teased most of the way through high school - a couple of the guys in particular used to say the most horrible things on a daily basis, and it took me ages to get to a place where I had good self esteem. I did get there though!
Interestingly, years later, one of those guys had seen me in the playground of the kindy I was teaching at at the time. He watched me for a while (unbeknownst to me), and approached me as I was walking out after work. He apologised for teasing me so badly in high school - he said he'd seen me around every so often, I seemed like a really nice person, and he was an "evil little toad" back then (his words). He was sorry for being so horrible to someone who didn't deserve it, and he wanted me to forgive him.
Of course, I did. We don't hang out, but we do say hi and chat if we run into each other on the street. I feel so lucky to know that at least one of my bullies had acknowledged that he was wrong, and has had the guts to apologise personally. It showed me that there's hope for everyone, and changed the way I deal with the little bullies I come across in my work.
I was bullied as a child, and was actually moved to smack one kid that was picking on me. The irony of that incident is that it was so NOT me to do that - retaliate - but the minute I did, he looked at me differently. We NEVER had an encounter again. I was also quietly bullied for years by my step-mother, until again, as a fully grown woman, she pushed me to the point of literally getting in her face and telling her off. (No, I didn't smack her, but a big part of me wanted to!) This incident came after years of "turning the other cheek" - which I realized in that very moment, she had only taken as silent permission to continue. Again, though, I remember the physical energy it took to confront her, feeling drained afterward, and the look on her face when she realized I would no longer be silently taking her abuse (and that when I was done, she stared at her Blackberry rather than look at me). I know my father defended me for years, but she didn't get it - and didn't stop - until I did something.
I have no idea why the kid made me a target, but I do have some insight into my step-mother's motives, all of which stem from her own fear and insecurity. Would I take away the bullying? Yes. Would I take away how finally standing up for myself changed me as a person? Never.
What a brutal show. And left untouched (and I understand why, but still) is *why* "gay" should be considered something worth killing yourself over. But, bullies will find anything...this just seems especially potent. (I remember once in 7th grade having a nosebleed, and sitting in the teacher's chair with my head back, looking at the class and idly thinking, Well, at least a spontaneous bloody nose isn't something BW can pick on me for. And, as soon as the thought was done he turned around, caught my eye, and said, "See what happens when you pick your nose? You're disgusting." And at least it was a moment of clarity that there are people who can and will use anything they can to cause or add to misery.
I think yogajen has a good point. Most of us remember the taunts and slights we received; fewer of us remember ever being the bully. I wonder how much of it is people not realizing the power they have. (Hence the phenomenon of tormentors wanting to be facebook friends, etc.) I think sometimes we just don't realize the damage we do. And conversely, as I look back on what I perceived as "bullying," I have just never been good at letting things roll off my back, and a random nasty comment some kid would make when they were having a bad day would stay with me for ages as proof of ill will.
I am NOT saying bullying does not occur. And that anti-bullying success story gave me some real hope. What a nightmare for that little girl to have her former classmates show up in her "new" life--and what an amazing thing to have her new friends stand up for her in such a meaningful way. I hope that helps her transform her self-image.
Good to hear from you again, LO! Are you looking forward to tomorrow like I am?
LO, I was bullied in 3rd grade and again in the 6th grade by a boy (i'm female) named Scott Bergfors. Honestly, I hope he's dead. In 3rd grade he beat me so hard, I fell ill, had a fever, and was in bed for 3 days. I never mentioned his constant bullying to my parents, but it eventually came out, and the principal made him apologize to me. I said, "okay," and that was it. And 3 years later, he did the same thing.
What bothered me was that a) I never felt comfortable enough to talk to my parents about what was going on , and, b) (worse) the schools did nothing about it.
~ 4 years ago, I taught theater at a grade school. I saw a much older boy push a girl down, and I went off on him. It was 3rd grade all over for me. It's painful.
I wasn't bullied for long periods of time, but I do remember getting teased sometimes and kids I was afraid of.
This whole notion of childhood as years of innocense is a crock! I remember a lot of stress, whether it was about peers or homework or myriad insecurities I had.
I was bullied as a kid. First by a girl for reasons entirely unknown to me. She was just mean and horrible to me. My parents advocated the "turn the other cheek" approach, which didn't work. And even though teachers would see her relentlessly pick on me and my parents finally went and spoke to the principal, each year we'd be in the same class. It was my nightmare. I came to find out as an adult that her father had been physically abusive, so her anger made sense, but still the school should have done something about what I was experiencing.
In 2nd grade, a boy was the bully and would chase me around the playground and harass me. One day in the middle of December just after a huge snow and ice storm, he tackled me into a frozen bank of snow in an attempt to kiss me and he knocked out both of my front teeth. He didn't get into any trouble. Later in 8th grade, he stalked me, would follow me home after school and would follow me into the girls' bathroom at school and poured ink into my locker. I was physically scared of him. Despite my parents pleas to the school, they were told that boys will be boys and he just had a crush on me. A crush, my *ss.
I was reading these comments yesterday, but I couldn't comment because they were bringing back some pretty bad memories from Middle School. I thought about it last night, and had what Oprah would call a "lightbulb moment."
I'd been bullied from about the 7th grade through part of the 9th. I became physically ill everyday, and spent much of those years at home in bed. I didn't know at the time that was a reaction to the stress of the situation. I was depressed and gained weight. It was a pretty traumatic experience, as up to then, I'd never experienced anyone being anything but nice to me. I didn't understand why they chose me. As most abused people, I began to believe what the bullies were saying, that I was a loser, and so I became the loser that they saw.
I realized last night that the only reason they picked on me was because I was an easy target. I was quiet, shy, and didn't know anyone in school. I was a little awkward, but who wasn't at that age? I was obviously the perfect victim, as I was too shy to fight back. I was afraid to tell anyone, mostly because I was embarrassed and afraid I'd harassed more for telling on someone. My mother found out about one incident and talked to the teacher. The girl who did it was talked to about it, and she never bothered me again, but she was only one of the many.
Because they used to make fun of what I was wearing, I thought if only I wore the same brands they did or the right shoes, they'd leave me alone. It didn't work, because they'd find other things to comment on. I became obsessed with my appearance, with looking like everyone else. I still feel that way, to an extent, and I've had to work hard to loosen up. It goes to show you how long that stuff affects you!
Things got a lot better after my freshman year. I got into theater and some clubs, made friends, had some activities outside of school, and started getting my confidence back. My weight fell off, I started making near perfect attendance, and never got picked on again.
It was very liberating to realize that I wasn't picked on because there was something wrong with me, but because I was too shy to fight back. I just wish it hadn't taken me 20 years to realize that!
I've had some mixed feelings about the bullying show. I was bothered by the fact that being called "gay" was such a point--It's not about that, and it's not about gay people--People can be bullied, as I was, for seemingly no reason...Just b/c it's fun for some stupid group of kids.
I was bullied not long after my family moved from one state to a very different state (CA to TX) when I was in 3rd grade, and followed me to two other moves and right into adulthood, it seems.
I was a shy girl, a "good" girl, who was worried about doing the right things and being nice. I attempted to befriend a new little girl at my school in 4th grade who bullied me in the subtle way that little girls do. There was no hitting or chasing. She told everyone she hated me. They followed suit.
Middle school was the worst. The bullies were the fresh-faced, popular kids with good grades--boys and girls. People said mean things. Girls were unkind. I was left out. I was called "nerdy" and "ugly." Once, a little boy told me that another boy wanted to go out with me and I had to give an answer--After MUCH consideration (I mean, I was only 11 or 12), I said 'Yes'-only to find out this was a trick and was laughed at.
In high school, I figured out how to avoid a lot of bullies, but there were still the few people who targeted me for no reason or who were just bad friends.
This still impacts me. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I feel powerless to do anything really. It happened to me last year on my first year at a new job with women who were in their 50s. I never knew that older women could be so mean and that something like this could make me leave a job. There were rumors spread. They all worked in conjunction. And I feared their ability to threaten my career--I submitted complaints, but I had no luck with getting help from HR, although HR agreed that I was getting a bad deal.
I hate the fact that people want to put specific reasons like race and gay and saying that protected groups get bullied more or that there should be a harsher penalty for those who bully protected groups. I'd say that any sort of bullying is bad and damaging and hurts those of us who are not a special minority just as much as those who are.
I also would like to see the meanness of girls bullying girls through social means addressed.
I still hold a lot of anger at what happened. I'm not sure if I let it happened. If my parents did through home circumstances. If the kids in this town were just bad. It still impacts me though.
This is so true. You never forget the people who were cruel to you, even if you've long moved on. I wasn't bullied nearly as much as some kids when I was growing up, but there is one person in particular I'd love to confront one day. He probably doesn't even remember. I'm thankful that my children have much more assertive personalities than I did, but you just never know.
I was disturbed by the bullying show. I was never really bullied in school--maybe teased, but not really bullied. I also was never a bullier, I don't think. But what saddens and scares me is that I don't really think there is an answer to this problem.
Children who are bullied are afraid to talk about the issue. They're afraid that they'll make the situation worse...and usually they do. In addition, they're afraid to disappoint the adult. They don't want to let their parents know that they are less than what their parents hope that they are. It is such a complicated issue and a few counseling session for the Oprah show will not resolve the problem.
I would have loved it if Oprah would have had a child on the show who was a bully. Otherwise, how can we even begin to understand why they do what they do?
The reasons that children bully other children and that children are targets of bullies are so deep.
A whole other show could be done exploring why the taunt "gay" is used so often by bullies. This seemed to be the theme of the show. Children seem to use this term against someone who is "different"--why???
Please everyone, read Nineteen Minutes by Jody Picoult. It is a heartbreaking and moving book about this very subject. I read it when it first came out and still can't get it out of my head.
one thing I forgot to add...it is human nature for people to need someone that they can perceive as lower status then they are. For a bully, that would be the person that is different. Someone that seems to be an easy target. How can we help these bullies control the desire to dominate? how can we teach children that it is not ok to follow these bullies and join in. Peer pressure is so strong and so hard for children to handle. This issue is much deeper than just having the bullied child use the "down Lola" technique. This is a nice fix for an hour TV show, but not for a life situation. Oprah, you can do better!
You (and Oprah!) should read the young adult novel "The Misfits" by James Howe. Basically written to address bullying in adolescence, through characters he shares the pain of bullying through namecalling based on race, sexual orientation, personality or weight.
About 5 years ago a 5th grade teacher in the Quad-Cities used the book as a read aloud to address bullying in her classroom. A few parents rose up in opposition because the book has a gay male character. The school board ordered the teacher stop using the book, while parents supportive of the teacher rallied and held a (very well attended)book club meeting at the local Borders.
All in all, would be interesting if Oprah broadened her lens a bit from one-two kids and explore how larger controversial social issues (bias based on sexual orientation, race, religion, weight) manifest and are exposed in our schools.
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