Relatively unscathed...

I am not going to go horribly into debt as a result of today's favorite thing show!!! Woohoo!!! The only two assignments I heard (and I'm going to be reviewing my tape to make certain) are that I must have the turkey burgers that Oprah experienced at Mar-a-Lago (Donald Trump's private resort). Her quote, "It's definitely something I'll be having this summer, and I definitely want you to have it too." The recipe is on the website. No problem! I will totally make the burgers. Sure, they're more labor intensive than the usual TBs I make, but I'd much rather cook those than have to buy the Weber grill ($849) she gave out to her audience. I was eyeing the grill in fear, so I felt relieved when she didn't say that was a must-have for the viewers at home. Besides, who needs a grill? I can always cook my burgers over my Lowe's firepit. (No, I haven't gotten it yet. I'm waiting until we move to our new apartment, so I don't have to worry about lugging it from one tiny city apartment to another.)

I also heard this from Oprah's lips: "So, treat yourself to a weekend getaway..." Hm. My first thought is I'll tack a couple extra days on the backend of a business-related trip I need to take in August. I just can't afford a completely separate flight/drive/hotel/etc. I think this is kosher, do you? I hope I can treat myself to paying my utility bills after I treat myself to my getaway. When are we supposed to get our stimulus checks in the mail, anyway?

I did have a 'poor-Oprah' moment today. She said, "Now, anybody who knows me also knows I am not putting on a bathing suit. If you ever see a picture of me in a bathing suit, it's a fake. Mmm-mmm. No-ho-hoooo. No where, no time." I thought this was sad. It made me really see that no matter how much money, power and fame a woman can gain, she can't buy a better self-esteem. As strong as Oprah is in many areas of her life, her body image seems to suffer. In witnessing moments such as these, I feel compassion for her, rather than a disconnection.

I thought it was strange that it seemed as if Oprah had never even seen half of what was on her "favorite things" list. The makeup and clothing appeared completely foreign to her. Clearly she loved the turkey burger and Mary J. Blige, but other than that, I think the items tauted might have been the Oprah show producers' favorite things....

And something that held a high "ick factor" for me: The women in the audience were FREAKING OUT today when they found out they were going to get free stuff. I'm talking screaming and wailing and crying. Crying?! Come on ladies, you're getting free flip flops. Chill. Out. I wonder if Oprah was thinking, "Hasn't anyone learned ANYTHING from A New Earth?" With all her talk about anti-materialism this season, today's show put her audience's resistance to decadence to the test. And I hope the test will be graded on a curve, because it looked like everyone failed. But then again, why keep dangling the carrot in front of the horse?

More guilty pleasures...

...I am totally embarrassed to admit that I always get a good laugh out of America's Funniest Videos. Mom, I know as you read this, you are hiding your face in embarrassment. That's right, your high-falutin' artist daughter squeals with delight when she watches a dog chasing its tail maniacally or a little girl who has slathered her baby brother head-to-toe in peanut butter. I'm not one for groin hits or people hurting themselves, but give me some cute kids and animals acting silly and I practically pee my pants laughing.

Yowza! I can't believe I've confessed this to all of you. I must feel a great sense of freedom in the anonymity of this project. I wonder what other mortifying secrets I'll share with you before the year is up. Luckily for you, another appearance by Oprah's gynecologist isn't programmed anytime soon. Who knows what I'd spill about my vajayjay

Besides AFV emcee, Tom Bergeron, Oprah hosted Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I adore Tina Fey and completely admire her career and talent. It was a real treat for me to see her on the couch this morning. Although, with the awful reviews of "Baby Mama," I'm relieved Oprah didn't tell us all to go out and see it. Besides, I've got my hands full planning a date for my Oprah-assigned "Sex and the City" girl's night out.

I wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight, knowing that Oprah's Favorite Things for the summer is on tomorrow. We're totally broke these days. Graduate school has wrung us dry. I'm worried about what Oprah might advise we all "need" to have this season. For those of you who are spiritual people...pray for me. Please. Pray for me.

Can we PLEASE see some positive examples of marriage??

I am certain it's much easier to find entertaining examples of how awful marriage can be versus having satisfied couples on the show, but I'm drowning in negativity. I feel like the only time we see happy, well-adjusted married couples is if they're famous...most civilian couples we see are polygamists, hoarders, swingers, abusive, hiding horrible secrets, etc. Yes, yes, every relationship has it's positives and negatives, but please Oprah-show producers, how about a little balance? How about celebrating what is RIGHT rather than what is WRONG with the decision to wed?

Today's episode on polygamy (which, by my count, is the 8 millionth show on this subject that Oprah has aired recently) presented the intrepid Lisa Ling who infiltrated a polygamist sect. Although I really felt terrible for the women and children in these communities, I felt a bit empty afterwards. The show was sort of cold...as if we were watching fascinating animals in cages at a zoo. There was no call to action to help the victims of this situation - it was a completely voyeuristic. And although I tend to shy away from direct critique of Ms. W., I have an observation I want to share: Oprah came across as more sympathetic and more connected to the dogs in the puppymill show than the human beings today. And let's face it, she guides the spirit and attitude of the show.

Do you think Oprah is losing her ability to connect?

You're getting verrrry sleepy

Today was a far-out show by Oprah standards. It was all about past life regression and an entire audience was hypnotized by Dr. Brian Weiss to explore their previous existence. I had to tape the show and watch it later in the day and while I am certain it was just a coincidence, I fell asleep innumerable times and had to keep rewinding the show. A friend said it's because I kept slipping into a hypnotic state. I think I was just tired - I didn't dream of past lives and I kept waking up to my cat biting my face. I'm not joking. Perhaps I was a giant kitty treat in my past life?

Oprah insisted more than once that we watch the show with an "open mind" and it's clear that she believes she has lived countless lives. I get so many emails from folks who are bothered by all her shows on spirituality and alternative beliefs, so I'm sure this show will pack my inbox and her message boards.

Honestly, I thought it would be a much more fun show to watch. I was hoping the Dr. Weiss would give the home audience some self-practice techniques to try. I wanted to proudly blog that in a past life, I had a project that I chiseled daily into stone tablets called, "Living Cleopatra."

Seriously though folks, whether you believe in Oprah's show subject or not, I think Dr. Oz's point today was the most important...we don't have all the answers and we should remain open to the infinite possibilities.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check out Oprah's site to see how I might get a drool stain off the silk throw pillow I conked out on today...

Brilliant little kids

Ok, today was filled to the brim with cuteness. It was cuterrific. Completely cutastic. It was a delightfully innocuous show, loaded with child prodigies displaying their talent. I had a brief and simple Oprah-given assignment: "Everybody in the audience, get up on your feet!" I did the cha-cha slide with Oprah, her guest (adorable 9-year old dancer, Quincy Eaton), and the studio audience. What I learned from today's exercise is that doing a group dance by myself in front of a television is not nearly amusing as at a wedding reception. Not the deepest life lesson, I know, but still one I'll carry with me forever and ever.

I do have something fun to share. Greg Williams, a comic artist, has created a piece based on Living Oprah for the Tampa Tribune in Florida. Click here and take a look! My mother is having one printed poster-sized to frame and hang on the wall. I guess although I'm at least 30 years older than the guests on the show today, my mom still thinks I'm cute. But then again, she didn't see me trip over my coffee table when I slid to the left and break into a sweat when I stomped two times to the right.